Mind your language

Following on from my previous post titled ‘Don’t believe everything you think’, I wanted to take a closer look at the part our inner dialogue can play in the view we have of ourselves.

We all have an inner dialogue; a constant stream of thoughts, judgments, and observations running through our minds. This may be louder for some than for others, but this can affect our self-perception, our actions, and our mental wellbeing. Your inner dialogue may be harsh, critical, and demanding. Thankfully, it is possible to reframe this self-talk to be kinder and more supportive. You can learn to talk to yourselves the way that you would talk to a friend - with empathy, and encouragement.

Why Self-Talk Matters

The language you use internally is powerful. It can set the tone as to how you perceive the challenges you face, how you respond to setbacks you experience, and how you engage with the world. Self-talk can be constructive and helpful, but it can also be destructive and negative, and unfortunately it's possible to fall into the habit of negative self-talk without even realising it is happening.

What affects our inner dialog? Long-held beliefs about yourself, which may have even formed during childhood or adolescence can lead to negative self-talk. Perhaps a teacher, family member, or peer was overly critical and over time those external criticisms have added up to became part of your narrative you have about yourself. Such thoughts can begin to shape your identity, impact your confidence, and lead to feelings of inadequacy.

On the other hand, kind and supportive self-talk engenders self-compassion, reduces stress, and encourages resilience.

It is possible to create a supportive narrative that supports growth when you talk to yourselves with kindness and compassion. By reframing how you speak to yourself you also open the door to greater self-acceptance and reduced self-criticism. Studies have shown that positive self-talk can help reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, enhance motivation, and improve problem-solving skills.

During difficult or challenging times positive self-talk can be even more important. When you face a perceived failure or experience a setback your initial reaction may be to berate yourselves for not being good enough. This kind of harsh inner dialogue can cause additional stress leading to a feeling of defeat before you have even had a chance to process what went wrong. In contrast, if you approach the situation with self-compassion and allow space for reflection without judgment, you can learn from your experiences rather than punishing yourself for them.

Reframing Your Inner Voice: How to Use Kinder Language

Shifting your inner dialogue starts with being mindful and aware of your thoughts in a non-judgmental way. Once you’re aware of the negative patterns, you can begin to reframe your thoughts into a more supportive narrative.

Here are some examples of demanding or negative language and how you can reframe it into kinder, more supportive self-talk:

From “I should” to “I can”

Using demanding words such as “should” or "must" may lead to added pressure and a sense of failure if not achieved. By reframing “I should” to “I can” or to “I would like to” you give yourself permission to move at your own pace, whilst removing the demand that something has to happen for a positive outcome.

From “I’m not good enough” to “I’m learning and growing”

You are introducing or reinforcing a limiting belief when you tell yourself you’re not good enough. Try to focus on the learning process instead. Mistakes and setbacks are ok and a natural part of growth, not a reflection of your worth or abilities. If you try something and the outcome isn't exactly as you had hoped, that is ok - at least you tried it.

From “I can’t” to “I can try”

Telling yourself “I can’t” sets up a mental limitation before you’ve even begun. Switching to “I can try” allows for the possibility of success and reduces the fear of failure.

Taking time to become mindful of your thoughts will help you to identify when your self-talk becomes critical or demanding. By bringing awareness to such thoughts you can challenge them, asking yourself whether they are helpful or true. Often, harsh self-talk tends to focus on one aspect of a situation and doesn’t consider other evidence. Mindfulness allows us to observe, reflect, and make intentional choices about how to respond to our inner dialogue.

Here are some other practical steps you can take to help you introduce kinder self-talk:

Notice the patterns: Recognise when your inner dialogue has become critical, negative, or demanding.

Challenge your thoughts: Is your negative self-talk is based on facts or assumptions? Are you being overly harsh or unrealistic in your expectations? Is your inner dialog helpful?

Practice self-compassion: Ask yourself how you would respond if a friend was saying the same thing about themselves? Try to offer yourself the same kindness and understanding you would show to others.

Reframe the language you use: Swap out demanding or critical language for kinder, less harsh language. Swap 'I must', for 'I would like to', or 'I can't' for 'I'll give it a go'.

Remember to celebrate small wins: Be sure to acknowledge your efforts and progress as you go, no matter how small they may seem. Kind self-talk is about recognising your value and learning how to use supportive and understanding language with yourself.

The way you speak to yourself matters. It shapes your mindset, influences your emotional wellbeing, and impacts your overall sense of self-worth. Changing your self-talk isn’t about ignoring difficulties nor sugar-coating challenges, it’s about approaching yourself with the same empathy and understanding that you would offer to someone else. It takes practice but by doing so, you can build resilience, reduce stress, and foster a supportive and accepting mindset.

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